Social media has been around for a while! However, what started as a way to connect with family and friends has now become a show world for unrealistic expectations and curated lives. From Facebook to X (formerly Twitter), Instagram to TikTok, these social media companies have created features and algorithms designed to keep individuals engaged for as long as possible. Because of this, users often find themselves compulsively scrolling and looking for validation through likes and shares. Simultaneously, social media influencers carefully tailor their feeds with perfectly polished images and highlight reels of their lives, which blur the line between reality and an idealized version of life. This not only creates a culture of comparison but also contributes to rising feelings of inadequacy among its users. Consequently, many find themselves trapped in a cycle of seeking approval online while struggling to maintain authentic connections in their offline lives. Thus, revealing the complex relationship modern society has developed with social media and its impact on mental health and relationships.
Conversely, there are many positive aspects to social media that should be mentioned. This includes staying connected to loved ones that are not physically close by, recording momentous occasions, empowering marginalized voices, and providing platforms for creativity or self-expression. Social media can also help to market and promote growth of small businesses, including the one you’re looking at right now! However, with the positive impacts of social media, significant drawbacks also emerge. Researchers are increasingly recognizing the long-term consequences that the online world can impose on our lives. Below are several critical ways in which social media can impact our romantic relationships.
Problems with Social Media
Distraction
Relationship psychologist Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of couples paying attention to bids for connection. Bids for connection occur when one partner attempts to connect by making small gestures or statements. These bids can be expressed in various forms, from subtle compliments to invitations for shared experiences, and they serve as essential building blocks for emotional intimacy. This could sound as simple as a partner saying, “do you see those beautiful birds over there?”. Unfortunately, a distracted partner may not even hear the bids for connection or realize what their partner is doing. Especially if they are constantly on their phone, scrolling endlessly through social media. The lack of attention paid to the partner not only diminishes the value of these small yet significant gestures but also creates a barrier that hinders basic communication. When these bids for connection are often ignored it can lead to emotional distance, feelings of isolation, rejection, and a severely compromised relationship over time. Partners must be mindful in their interactions, actively engaging with each other to build a deeper understanding and appreciation, thereby nurturing their bond in a world filled with competing distractions.
Comparison
Having images of perfection on social media can significantly influence what partners may think is realistic in a partner or relationship. I often see couples come into therapy before engagement or marriage, grappling with doubts about whether they’ve made the right choice for a partner, or even questioning if their relationship is viable. Due to constant exposure to ideas of perfection in relationships, social media users do not see normal relationship dynamics. The narratives presented, particularly in “day in the life” type videos, elevate the bar to such an extent that they set unachievable standards for what a partner can practically do for their loved one. Some videos include relentlessly showering their partner with extravagant gifts or presenting a facade of a conflict-free existence that is rarely present in real life. Such portrayals not only distort reality but also make couples feel inadequate and disillusioned with their own relationships, often leading them to overlook the genuine moments of connection and love that define a more realistic partnership.
Reduced or Eliminated Quality Time
Before social media and the ease of accessing entertainment directly onto our phones, couples were usually subjected to being in each other’s presence without self-stimulating from electronics at every moment. This meant that partners were more likely to engage in organic conversation, play games together, or participate in a joint hobby that allowed them to explore each other in a deeper way. They would share stories, laugh together, and even navigate challenges as a team. With phones in hand, however, couples are more likely to pass the time scrolling through endless feeds or watching videos, often unaware that they have not truly connected with their significant other all evening. This disconnection can create feelings of isolation, even when physically together, eroding the emotional bond, and eliminating prescious quality time. Quality time is an essential pillar for a healthy relationship and can often become the catalyst for intimacy. Without it, couples may find themselves drifting apart, realizing that without focused interaction, meaningful discussions and shared experiences become increasingly rare in their daily lives.
Jealousy
Social media has allowed partners to digitally survey their significant other’s communication online. Thus, effectively transforming the way individuals perceive their partner’s relationships. This could include monitoring how many “likes” or comments they have received, or how many “happy birthdays” they wish their friends, creating an unhealthy environment of constantly checking the digital interactions of the other. With this surveillance can come feelings of distrust or jealousy regarding the partner’s engagement online. Additionally, the online presence of a partner can evoke insecurities, prompting individuals to question the depth of their relationship based solely on social media interactions. Conversely, there are still true relationship boundary crossings that can occur and should be discussed openly. However, many partners are innocently keeping in touch with friends and family and can feel monitored by their significant other in an unhealthy way, which may stifle their ability to maintain friendships. Striking a balance between healthy engagement and invasive scrutiny is essential for preserving trust and connection in the relationship.
Solutions to the Problem
Set Time Limits
As a couple, you can agree to set down the phones at a specific time that works for you both. For example, this could be right when dinner starts, providing an opportunity to share stories about your day, or at a specific time that you both agree on, allowing for uninterrupted conversations. Consider making this a regular practice! You both can engage in activities you love, whether cooking together, playing games, or simply sharing your thoughts and feelings openly. Understandably, you may have evening chores or an individual self-care routine during the week, and that’s okay too! The idea is to prioritize your own wellbeing and relationship quality time over engaging in the time-consuming mindless scrolling, which benefits no one.
Be Mindful of Content
Understanding what you see is not reality, and reframing your perspectives on what a true relationship looks like can help to set realistic expectations. Be mindful that the images and narratives we often consume, whether through media or social interactions, can create a distorted view of love and partnership. No one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. We are all flawed human beings with unique quirks, habits, or traits, and each individual brings their own set of challenges and strengths into the relationship. Embracing these imperfections can help strengthen the connection and promote empathy, allowing us to navigate the complexities of relationships with grace and understanding. Ultimately, a healthy relationship thrives not on the absence of flaws, but on accepting and supporting one another through them.
Discuss Relationship Boundaries
Early on in any relationship, couples should discuss what they are and are not comfortable with their partner doing online. These boundaries should be agreed upon by both partners before continuing to engage in social media while in the relationship. Boundaries are going to be different for every couple! Additionally, they can also depend on triggers from past relationships where there may have been betrayal or infidelity. This could include not engaging in conversations with ex-partners, not “liking” or commenting on photos of people that are unknown to the partner, and more. Establishing clear expectations and open communication can enhance trust and security in the relationship, allowing both partners to feel valued and understood. Ultimately, it is up to each couple to decide what they are comfortable or not comfortable with, utilizing a mutually respectful online presence. By openly discussing and respecting these guidelines, couples can create a healthier social media environment that promotes connection rather than conflict.
Conclusion
The use of social media can have several positive outcomes if used carefully. This includes connecting with friends and family who are not physically accessible or close by, fostering creativity or self-expression, promoting small businesses, empowering marginalized voices, and facilitating the sharing of information and ideas across many communities. These benefits can enhance our social interactions and broaden our horizons, allowing us to engage with different perspectives and cultures. While concerns about the negative impact of social media are valid, the total shutdown of social media is not necessarily the solution. Instead, we can focus on promoting responsible usage and digital literacy to mitigate risks while still enjoying its advantages. By implementing guidelines, and encouraging healthy online habits, partners in relationships can still experience the benefits of social media without falling prey to its pitfalls.
Struggling with the social media in your relationship? Reach out to Sara today to get started with couple’s therapy! She provides a safe space for couples to discuss their issues and work towards their goals for a better relationship.