Watching your partner mourn the loss of a loved one can be a difficult process to witness. Grief can last anywhere from a few weeks to a few years, or all the way into an entire lifetime. An overabundance of feelings can come along with grief including anger, shock, frustration, guilt, worry, sadness, isolation, exhaustion, and more. Even when it appears that the period of grief has commenced, an event like a family holiday without the loved one can trigger the experience of those feelings all over again.
Knowing what to do as the partner of someone experiencing a loss is not easy. As hard as it may be, the key to supporting your loved one is not to save them from pain or try to “fix” the problem. Being a reliable presence and meeting them where they are at in their grief is equally important. This list below provides a few helpful strategies for navigating care of your partner through their own grief or loss.
Listen
The most important first step is to listen. Listen to your partner share their feelings, and their memories of the loved one as they come up. Be present with them as they try to sort through the many questions in their mind. It may also help to check in with your partner’s needs while they share their experience with you: Do they just want to vent, or do they want feedback from you too? Sometimes partners just want to be heard and validated in their experience without being offered solutions or feedback.
Another important concept is to be careful of “toxic positivity” when providing help. Sometimes offering a positive spin or outlook on the situation in attempt to take away pain can actually be received as minimizing their feelings. It is better to acknowledge and validate their pain versus trying to impose unwarranted positivity into the conversation. Right now it’s important to acknowledge and validate how difficult the experience truly is for them.
Checking In
Checking in with your partner often is foundational to keeping the channels of communication open. This could include asking them how they are doing on a routine basis, but also respecting their boundaries if they are not in the headspace to talk that day. Sometimes your partner may just want your physical presence, even if they are not able to express themselves at that moment. You can let them know that you are available to talk whenever they are ready.
Understanding Grief and Loss Cycles
It may be helpful to understand where your partner is at in their cycle or stages of grief. There are several different bereavement models used in the world of therapy, which help clients identify feelings during grieving. One of the oldest and most widely accepted models is the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief. The stages include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Keep in mind, these stages are non-linear, and it is possible for someone to jump stages as they are processing.
Understanding this model will help to normalize the phases of grief you may see in your loved one and give you an idea of what to expect. However, not everyone grieves in uniform and there could be a varied set of feelings experienced, which is okay! To read more about the 5 stages of grief, check out this article here.
Providing Resources
Using a gentle approach, providing resources to your partner can be a helpful next step. If they are open to it, you can help them search for a loss or bereavement counselor, local bereavement support groups, or more. Sara can also provide referrals for experienced individual counselors in the Chicago area as well. For additional reading materials, videos, articles, and recommended books on grief, please visit www.grief.com/free. This website includes a plethora of information and helpful articles for both you and your partner.
Self-Care
Last, but certainly not least, take care of yourself too! In order to be the best partner during this process you will need to establish your own self-care routine, in whatever capacity that may be. Take the time to do things that help you restore or rejuvenate when possible, so that you have the energy and ability to be there for your partner. If you are in need of individual counseling services for yourself, Sara can also provide referrals to clinicians in your area.
Looking for additional help in supporting your partner as a team in couples therapy? Reach out to Sara today to get started!