Recovering from trauma is not easy, and unresolved past traumas can present a plethora of challenges while adjusting to everyday living. Whether the trauma involved an intimate partner or not, the long-term effects can continue to show up in many forms within the survivor’s romantic relationships. Trauma is known to transform the way survivors relate to people in their lives, so it is no surprise that it changes the way they relate to their significant others. For example, it can deplete the sense of safety and security, confidence or self-esteem can drop, and the lens through which the survivor views the world is never the same. Continue reading to better understand how trauma changes relationships with romantic partners!
What is Trauma?
According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administrations (SAMSHA), trauma is defined as, “an emotional or physical response to one or more physically harmful or life-threatening events or circumstances with lasting adverse effects on your mental and physical well-being” [1]. These events include but are not limited to actual or threatened death of yourself or loved one, serious injury or accident, sexual violence or assault, exposure to a distressing event, terrorism, war or combat, emotional/physical/psychological/sexual abuse, being a victim of a crime, displacement, natural disasters, bullying, childhood neglect, and more. In summary, traumas are extreme life events that threaten physical and psychological survival. These events unfortunately leave us survivors susceptible to emotional triggering and reactivity in their interpersonal relationships.
How Trauma Changes Intimate Partner Relationships
Trauma, especially unresolved past trauma, will continue to show up in current intimate partner relationships whether intended to or not. Below are five of the many ways it can manifest in a romantic relationship, even when the partner is not the cause or related to any of the experienced trauma.
Trust
After experiencing trauma, survivors can find it hard to trust others when (understandably) their trust has been broken! This may result in the survivor’s belief that the security in the relationship is threatened when expressing feelings, so in turn, the inner thoughts may not be shared with the partner. Feelings of emotional safety with any partner are hard to establish after trauma, but it is especially difficult to relate to those who have not experienced similar traumatic events. On the flip side, those with a history of trauma sometimes trust too easily. Due to this, survivors can become vulnerable to the wrong person, by seeking perceived feelings of love and safety.
Unexplained Anger
In many relationships, anger is commonly expressed in order to avoid the vulnerability it takes to express the real underlying emotions. This is because vulnerability in relationships means putting the guard down to potentially get hurt. For trauma survivors this can be especially difficult, as doing so can even feel physically unsafe. Similarly, the survivor can find it hard to communicate about difficult subjects without getting emotionally flooded or easily overwhelmed, which can be displayed as anger.
Sometimes, criticism from a trauma survivor towards their partner might be a subconscious defense in order to create distance from a perceived threat, which is a side effect of wanting to create a safe space. Trauma survivors are constantly searching for safety from perceived threats, even if the threat is not viable or true. This subconscious pushing away of others often results in unintended isolation from their loved ones.
Sense of self and self-esteem
Many trauma survivors experience feelings of shame and guilt from the traumatic event, which can be falsely internalized as having something “wrong” with them, due to the fact that the event happened. These thoughts frequently lead to low self-esteem and low self-worth. Due to this low self-esteem, trauma survivors can have difficulty accepting fondness or admiration from their partners. Also, without a sense of self and self-worth, survivors can easily become a doormat for abuse by others. They may not even realize that they are outwardly displaying people-pleasing tendencies.
Emotional distance
After trauma, there can also be emotional disengagement from the survivor. This is due to disengagement being perceived as an easier path than engaging in difficult conversations. This emotional distance especially occurs when the partner doesn’t know about the trauma or doesn’t fully understand it. This will result in the survivor emotionally turning away from their partner during times when their partner may be expecting them to turn towards them, which leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings by all.
Physical touch
Hypervigilance is a side-effect of trauma and can lead to a sensitivity for physical touch. Trauma survivors can sometimes perceive any form of touch as dangerous without even realizing it! Sexual intimacy can also be extremely difficult for trauma survivors, especially if the trauma was sexual in nature. If there is a lack of sexual intimacy in the relationship due to not feeling safe or comfortable, this can lead to gridlocked conflict. This conflict can arise simply because the partner may not understand the lack of interest in sexual intimacy.
After processing the traumatic events in individual therapy, a couple’s therapist can help survivors explain their trauma to their partner. That is, when they are ready to share, and to whatever degree they feel comfortable sharing.
Note: If you are a trauma survivor, do not force your engagement in any activity you do not feel comfortable with until seeking help from a licensed therapist!
Relationship Therapy Can Help
Does any of the above sound relatable to you and your relationships? If you have experienced trauma, individual therapy or counseling is the first step and is essential. After working through the events and processing your feelings, individual therapists can also help with improving your self-worth. You can finally move from being a victim of trauma to a survivor, which is empowering! Along with individual care, relationship therapy with a trauma-informed couples or relationship therapist can help as a conjoint service for your relationship.
First, relationship therapy can provide a safe and supportive space to express yourself to your partner. After experiencing trauma, you may unintentionally be vague with your partner when explaining the traumatic events, which is understandable since you’re still trying to make sense of everything yourself! Unfortunately, vague explanations can leave your partner with a lack of understanding about the trauma and what your needs are in the relationship. Relationship therapy can provide a place for healthy dialogue while disclosing your traumatic events, but only when you are ready.
Secondly, identifying and expressing your needs, which have changed due to the trauma, can also be worked on. You’ll need to identify your triggers in the relationship and learn how to express them to your partner. This is because your partner may not understand why certain seemingly neutral people, places, or things are triggering for you. During the therapy process a professional can also help your partner to better understand trauma through what’s called “psychoeducation”.
Resources
While working with Sara at Confluent Relationship Therapy, she can provide the necessary trauma resources tailored to you. Individual therapy with a trauma professional can help you process and work through the events before couples therapy services. Or Sara can recommend individual trauma therapists and collaborate with them on your care simultaneously. Please also see the resources page for crisis organizations or additional services you may need.
Reach out today to start with Sara! Not ready to start services? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to answer any questions you may have about the process.
[1] Read more about SAMHSA here: SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration