Are you worried about how to approach your partner to initiate the process of couples therapy? No matter what stage your relationship is in, couples therapy can help, but often times partners can be hesitant to start. This hesitation can be due a multitude of factors including the presence of social stigmas surrounding therapy, worry about the relationship ending after starting therapy, and feeling uncomfortable in general to talk about feelings. This article discusses how to initiate this difficult conversation of starting therapy with your partner!
Find the Right Timing
When to bring up the conversation in your relationship might be the most important step of all. Sometimes partners use the idea of therapy as a verbal weapon or a threat in the relationship to coerce behavior, which is never a healthy tactic, as therapy can then be perceived as a “punishment” for your partner. Another poor time to bring up the subject of couples therapy is right after an argument. Make sure that you and your partner are in a moderately good headspace and aren’t still recovering from any individual personal issue or relationship issue that day.
If tensions are just always high in the relationship and there is no great time to bring it up, a good idea might be to try to calm yourself physiologically beforehand! You can do this by participating in deep breathing, going for a walk, or doing whatever you need to do for total relaxation before entering the conversation with your partner. That way, you can try to approach the dialogue with an open mind and heart.
Don’t Blame Your Partner for the Problems
One of the worst ways to initiate a couples therapy conversation is to make your partner the “identified patient”. Blaming your partner for the total destruction of the relationship will not help and will spark a “you versus me” mentality instead of a “we” mentality. Especially if your partner is already hesitant about therapy in general, insinuating that couple’s services will “fix their individual character flaws” could actually turn them away from the process all together. Couples therapy is meant to better the relationship dynamics, not fix the individual people.
Listen To Your Partner
After bringing up the conversation, you may initially receive feedback of uncertainty or defensiveness about the process from your partner, and that is okay! It is understandable they might be hesitant, especially if they don’t know much about how therapy works. Be open to listening to what your partner has to say about the process, whether you agree with it or not. Validate their concerns and try to be as supportive as possible of their feelings during this time. It may take a few rounds of discussion in order for them to open up to the idea of therapy.
Provide Information
Giving your partner information about how therapy works, and what couples therapy may look like, could help ease some of their concerns. They may find it interesting or helpful to do their own research as well. You can also write down questions you or your partner have and bring these questions to a free phone consultation with your therapist. Giving your partner the time they need to feel well educated or prepared about the process will help facilitate a smooth transition into starting therapy.
Keep Them a Part of The Process
If your partner does decide to start the process of couples therapy, it is always a good idea to keep them included in every step you take along the way. This could mean copying their email address in the emails between you and the therapist when you reach out and/or making sure to include them in the initial phone consultation! Starting this process with as much transparency as possible will help your partner to feel as aligned with the therapist as you are. If you both don’t mesh well with the initial therapist you choose, see if there is another therapist out there that you both want to work with! Finding the right fit therapist is essential in fostering your partner’s motivation to put in the work and achieving your relationship goals.
Starting couples or relationship therapy can be intimidating for many people, and how you initiate the conversation with your partner can set the tone for the entire process. These first few steps can be difficult, so I applaud you for the brave journey you are embarking on!
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