Household chores are a part of domestic relationships that throughout history have involved ever changing roles and responsibilities. Research shows that when living together, there is no right way to split up the duties so long as everyone is on the same page and genuinely happy with the arrangement. However, figuring out how to get to the bottom of an endless to-do list can be a daunting task for couples. Who takes on the cleaning, cooking, errand running, organizing finances, yard work, and more? Here are some tips below for splitting and managing those lingering chores.
Don’t Take on Too Much
Often times one or both partners try to take on more than what is necessary on a given week. Especially for parents, the term “supermom” or “superdad” gets thrown around as a way to say, “wow, they really can do it all!”. However, it’s just not possible to do everything, at least not at the expense of individual wellbeing.
Recognizing what is important and prioritizing what needs to be done is paramount to staying afloat. Each week partners should filter through what can and cannot be reasonably accomplished. Those items left undone for the week will either have to not be completed at all or put on the backburner for another time! The key here is being at peace with imperfection and the understanding that no one really can do it all.
Ask for Help When Needed
Not only is it crucial to seek assistance from your partner, but asking for help outside of the home can be beneficial too. Couples and families often try to shoulder everything without seeking support, sometimes out of fear of appearing inadequate or uncapable in the eyes of extended family and friends. However, recognizing opportunities where you can outsource some of the responsibility once in a while can help to lower stress and keep the relationship intact. For instance, if you have children, this may mean asking the grandparents or a babysitter to look after the kids for a day so you can tackle the to-do list and get it dwindled down. Or if finances allow, investing in a housekeeping service on occasion can be useful. Remember, this does not mean your partner is off the hook for responsibilities! It merely helps to alleviate some of the burden so you can focus as a team on the remaining tasks together.
Say “No” When Necessary
It can be hard for partners to say no to activities or social events in order to get things caught up at home. However, this may be a necessary step when the household to-do list piles up. In a given week, prioritize what the most important events are and postpone the less important events, when necessary. However, in order to keep friendships intact, make sure rescheduling happens promptly, so close friends or family don’t feel blown off. Moreover, it is much easier on everyone to decline early on in the event planning process rather than waiting until the last minute to cancel!
Split Chores Effectively
Many couples often overlook the importance of having open and explicit conversations about how to split household chores. It is common for individuals to expect their partner to spontaneously notice things that need to be accomplished around the house and do it on the spot. However, when it is expected that both partners do all chores at all times it becomes unrealistic. The key lies in identifying which chores or tasks can be “assigned” to which partner. Does one person not mind as much to do the cooking or the laundry? Does another person not mind as much to mow the lawn or take out the trash? This way, partners can focus on which chores they do best.
No one particularly enjoys doing chores, but there are certain tasks that are hard for some due to personality differences. For instance, an extrovert may not mind handling the grocery shopping or running errands as much as an introverted partner. Similarly, someone with a strong attention span may excel at detail-oriented tasks, while the partner with a lower attention span may struggle. A partner with a dust sensitivity or allergy may not enjoy dusting, while another partner may be repulsed at the smell of taking out the garbage. In essence, it’s about identifying your strengths and taking the lead in those areas with understanding and consideration for your partner’s challenges.
Respect Boundaries
When a partner expresses that they are exhausted at the end of the day, those boundaries should be respected. That is, as long as there is a plan for progress towards that goal in the near future. An example of setting a boundary may sound like, “Honey, I understand you wanted to get chores done tonight but I am drained from work today and need a break. Can we come back to these chores tomorrow?”. The key to this is respecting the request, working together to find a solution for accomplishing it later, and following through on that commitment.
Also, understanding each partner’s individual needs is important. This helps everyone to identify how they can balance their time with household duties versus time for those personal needs. For instance, if one person is an extrovert and gains energy from social interactions outside the home, then it might be necessary to allow for a brief respite from household chores to engage in a small amount of social activity.
Identify When a Break Is Necessary
When one or both partners try to do too much without resting it can lead to burnout. Burnout not only affects productivity, but also hinders individual mental and physical well-being. It can result in decreased motivation, which in turn creates a decline in accomplishing the tasks at hand. Thus, it is crucial to recognize the signs of burnout and take proactive measures to prevent it! Identifying when to take a healthy break can provide rest and rejuvenation while restoring energy. This energy helps for when going back to the task at hand and yields more productivity in the long run.
Praise Each Other Using Love Languages
Often times partners don’t know how to show appreciation in the way that their significant other likes to receive it. After witnessing your partner putting in the effort, even if it’s a part of basic household functioning, it helps to acknowledge that you know they are working hard.
There are five main love languages which categorize how partners like to receive love in their relationship. These include words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch, and quality time. For example, if the partner’s love language includes quality time, that could mean setting up an evening together without interruptions. If the partner’s love language is physical touch it might include holding their hand or giving a massage. Gift giving does not have to be expensive; this could mean picking up some flowers or making something by hand. When praise is received it shows partners that what they are doing is recognized and appreciated.
Seek Therapy
Navigating the household duties and to-do list can be difficult to maneuver in a relationship. Need help working through this? Reach out to Sara today to start relationship therapy!
Want additional reading materials on the five love languages in a relationship? Check out the official book by Gary Chapman below:
*Please note: Sara Miller / Confluent Relationship Therapy does not receive any compensation for the links or books listed on her website. They are suggested based on expertise and experience as a relationship therapist*